Inside His Head
by darknesspirals
Summary: (extension of story 'Hidden in my Blood) Kisu's been having some revelations about Hiei, but what about him? What has he been thinking? Best if read after Chapter 28 but before Chapter 29.


This is officially a part of my story, Hidden in my Blood. It is a one-shot because it interupted the flow of the story. So... It's not essenstial to your understanding of the story, but it is helpful, and should not be read until you get to Chapter 28 or 29 of the entire thing.

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**Inside His Head**

He sat in his window, scowling as he watched the rain slide down the glass paneling. It was three days until this miserable holiday called Christmas, and there had still been none of that white substance ningens found so close to essential for the enjoyment of the day.

But it was quiet too, except for the steady and relaxing drip of the water. It was one of the few times he went unarmed. His katana sat, deliberately placed, in the corner of his room, already carefully cleaned and inspected. When the apartment was empty and he was locked alone in his own room was one of the only times he was comfortable enough to take it off. The rain always helped him relax. He enjoyed its music, but not the wetness it left behind. It made sleeping in trees less enjoyable.

It was also one of the rare nights that Kisu was not in the building. Her father had returned unexpectedly the previous day, and would be here for one more night before retreating back to his world of business, again leaving his only daughter to a world filled with more wolves than the ignorant man could even begin to guess. Hiei had overheard him tell Kisu that this was to make up for missing Christmas, since he wouldn't be able to make it back again, when she picked up the phone. The man wouldn't even be home for the one holiday that embodied the concept of family for most of this miserable world.

Hiei would never be able respect a man like Kisu's father, despite never having met him. He could not respect a man that didn't even know his own potential, or visibly care about increasing his strength, and left his offspring to fend for themselves at an age deemed inappropriate for the young of his species. Hiei ignored the fact that he himself had been abandoned at a much earlier age, because, in the long run, this, and his distaste for the man, stemmed from Kisu.

He suddenly, with that thought, felt confined; the walls surrounding him were stifling. The only reason he was still inside was routine and the steadily falling water outside. Those reasons were no longer strong enough. The apartment suddenly felt empty, without 'her' there, just up the stairs, or down in the kitchen, infusing the place with her moodiness.

He stood and stalked to his katana, reaching for it to retie the belt to his waist, preparing to physically attempt to put distance between himself and the topic he had been avoiding since Kurama had planted it in his head.

His hand froze, millimeters from the hilt. It didn't feel right to wear it tonight. The atmosphere tonight was too unreal for it. His brain was too scattered. There was rarely a time when he didn't trust himself to wield it correctly if the need arose or to contain himself if the time didn't, but tonight was one of them

He shook himself, heading back to the window. He was going outside without a weapon. He could remember the exact date of the last time he had done this, and it had been centuries prior, when he had been relatively young and naive.

The dim, half reflection, of himself in the window caught his eye, and he studied it as he paused to absorb the sounds of the rain. The drops continued to cascade down, unyielding in the face of his careful scrutiny. The way the image wavered eerily resembled the condition of his mind at the moment, but his appearance was still the same, as far as he could tell.

But he felt different, and he suspected it had to do with 'her.' He couldn't place his finger on what in him had changed, though, or why it made such a big difference to him. Maybe it was that he was feeling things; things that had come from a place he couldn't identify, and ones that he couldn't understand. As soon as he had thought about it he had realized they were there. He hadn't had a reason to examine himself until Kurama had mentioned emotions to him the other night. The changes in him had been happening undetected and becoming more permanent with each day that passed. And it all led back to 'her.'

He pushed the window open, letting the wet air waft over him, before stepping up onto the sill and dropping into the alley below. There was no reason for him to stay within those confining walls tonight, so why should he? He took off, only slightly perturbed by his weaponless state, still trying to outrun himself. The ground beneath his feet blurred away. His nearly supersonic stride ate up the miles.

He didn't stop until he was as far from the city as he was allowed. He had long ago stopped trying to push at Koenma's limits. He still kept up the pretense of his disdain for the tyrant, because that was true, but he no longer saw the point in trying to get out of the big things when he knew there was no chance of succeeding.

Like working with the detectives, or staying within the city. If he was allowed to leave at this point he wasn't even sure he would. He didn't exactly have anywhere better to go waste his time, unless, of course, he could find his way back into Makai.

The most recent restraint that had been placed on him hadn't even been meant for him, though. It was for 'her.' He just happened to be the only one that could constantly be with her to fulfill the requirements of her probation.

And now that he thought about that he wasn't even sure he minded. He wished he could blame Kurama for planting the concept in his head, but even he, the master of self-deception, couldn't deny that the seed had already been there, and that the fox had merely made it bloom.

He glanced up, suddenly realizing that he had wandered back into the city while he thought. He was at a street corner. One road would lead him to Kurama's. He almost wished that he could let himself talk to the fox about this. But that would be admitting weakness.

His feet automatically began to carry him down the other road. 'Her' house sat at the end of it, like an oasis. He didn't bother trying to stop, but he didn't let himself think about what he was doing either, or why…

Kurama was probably the only one that would really understand what he was going through if he chose to talk to someone, anyway. Kurama had once been the great Youko, and still was sometimes. He knew no one else that had experienced both the coldness of a demon's soul and the warmth of human emotions.

Hiei hadn't allowed himself to consider what changes were trying to occur within him. He didn't want to think about them. If he didn't, then it made them seem less real. But he hadn't tried to devise a way to undo those that had already happened either. He was aware enough to realize that he didn't want to undo them. He just had to decide what to do next.

His feet stopped on a patch of pavement he had accidentally visited many nights before. He seemed drawn, like a moth to a light, to this spot every time 'she' went home. Lights shown out of her house, so often empty, illuminating the dark empty street. He stood, watching the lights that showed him nothing, knowing that he should get out of the street before some nosy ningen noticed him and called the police. Why could life never just hand him the answers he so craved?

He turned away, blurring down the street, as Kisu appeared in a window, expression stony for a moment before she turned a smiling face back to her father. Hiei had seen the show before; he saw it every day, and didn't need to watch the act as she performed it for a different audience. Her masks were even more diverse than his, managing to make her appear almost normal, where his merely hid his deeper self.

He paused as he again passed the way to Kurama's. What had the fox said? _If you care for her, you should tell her._ The words replayed as he recalled the conversation.

_I don't care for her_ he had muttered. But he had known even as he said the words that they were false. He had recognized that in his one moment of thought before the words slipped out of his mouth.

What would he tell her if he made that decision? _I care about you_. He frowned, stopping at the same corner as before. _I like you. I l…_He shut the voice out again.

Did he want to talk to Kurama about this? A voice in the back of his head whispered 'yes' while the rest of his mind yelled 'no'.

No. He would not talk to his companion about this. He turned his back on the two forks that would lead him to the truth and a new outlook on life. Talking about this would be too personal. He didn't get personal with anyone, and he wasn't about to start.

Besides, his subconscious whispered as the demon started his way back to the confinement of the apartment he had once refused to use, he already knew the truth.

He just wasn't ready to face it…

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And there you have it. An insight into Hiei's world. 


End file.
